Mollusk Marketing Logo

Contact Mollusk Marketing! Click Here!

At MolluskTM we understand that marketing is an undertaking. To the client, it's an expense. For consumers, it's misleading ads, broken promises, and an incessant yelling noise from their TV. To our bankruptcy attorney, the repetitive incorporation and liquidation is steady income. To the District Attorney, it's overtime. To us, it's beer money.

For Mollusk, it's our job to explain this complex and inane process. We hope cocktails make the questions go away. But, we never forget our core principle:

Our client's value as human beings is proportionate to their cash.

We will fabricate the answers they want to hear to make us satisfied with their money, and we are willing to go the extra mile. Remember, all of our clients are automatically entitled to our

Mollusk Satisfaction Guarantee.

Unlike the competition, we never engage in shameless pandering to client's uninformed opinions just to butter them up for money. We feel the shame. Embrace the shame. But, continue in our shameful behavior - indeed, some suggest we receive an unhealthy excitement from it.

We understand, at Mollusk, that the creative process can't be defined or placed in a box. Is copying the competition's advertisements creative? Sure, who's to say it isn't - isn't all art just a pale imitation of the cosmic design? Are dirty dishes scanned on a flatbed scanner art? Maybe not, but they make a pretty good logo when you don't feel like working. Is "Right Click, View Source, Select All, Copy, Paste***" cutting edge web design? It is when Mollusk charges bleeding edge prices! It's all a philosophy we call LeaderSchlep**

Employment opportunities*:

At Mollusk, we can't spell stagnution. Without u! Be dragooned into our inert staff as we avoid the challenges the 21st Century offers. For Mollusk employees, it's not just a job, it's not even a job, and it's certainly not a "career." Our employees gain only intrinsic satisfaction from work, because they don't gain it from pay or benefits.

*Mollusk Employment does not guarantee timely payment of wages. Or tardy payment. Not all paychecks may clear; bonuses are grossly exaggerated, and may be entirely fictional. Employee assumes all risk of nonpayment. Employment concept is vastly overstated and fundamentally a dream state. Medical benefits provided by Hobbits and do not really exist. Flexible Spending Account reimbursement depends on the Raiders covering the point spread. Employee grants and professes that employment at Mollusk involves considerable physical, financial and legal risks. Employment at Mollusk prohibited by law in Oregon, Arizona, the European Union, and the People's Democratic Republic of Translvania, and should be prohibited everywhere. Continued employment is dependent on Multi-level Marketing Scheme membership and explict consent to physical abuse. Mollusk Marketing is Equal Opportunity Abuser.

**LeaderSchlep trademarked by Mollusk Marketing - use LeaderSchelp, or the letters L,e,a,d,e,r,s,c,h,l,e, or p and we'll sue. Don't think we will? We are crazy enough to believe we hold a submarine patent on the breathing, so prepare for a change of venue motion to Aruba if you use letters. Think you'll countersue for extensive legal fees? How much a judgement against Mollusk worth, genius!

***Right Click, View Source, Select All, Copy, Paste is a proprietary business method of Mollusk Marketing Internet Division. Patent Pending.

For reasons that are incomprehensible, some contend Mollusk Marketing is a fake marketing company, or faux marketing organization, or some sort of satiric send-up of sales and marketing organizations. It's ridiculous that they'd think that we'd the sort of company that was entirely a joke, with long list of text at the bottom that simply designed to improve our placement in search engines if people were looking for a fake marketing organization, but didn't remember our name, Mollusk Marketing. They could be looking for a phony advertising agency - well, that's not us. We are serious. And, we aren't an advertising agency, we are a marketing organization and a really real not at all fake or joke or faux or whatever you want to call it. Serious, Serious, Serious. Not fake. Not phony. Not faux. Not satiric.

If you want a fake site, try Anonymous Law Firm or something like that. Mollusk Marketing is as solid as the invertibrate depicted in our logo. The whole idea of our company, a marketing organization and not an ad agency, being somehow just a send up of American sales culture is what's fake. We are certainly more real than most people you'll find working in sales, advertising, or marketing.

Ok, now I'm really starting to get angry at the whole idea that Mollusk Marketing is fake. You can tell I'm getting angry because the font is get larger. I've something to say, and I want to say it loud:

Mollusk Marketing isn't fake, phony, made up, a send up, faux, not real, imaginary, make believe or anything like that. We are real!


Thank God we've calmed down and lowered our font size. Breathe. Any coincidental correspondence between Mollusk Marketing, this website, and any persons living or dead, any marketing people living or dead, any politicians living or dead, or any rodents living or dead is purely, as we stated before, coincidental.In fact, almost all of this site is coincidental. Certainly we aren't responsible for it - America's brewers and distillers should shoulder the entire blame.

If you resemble our insinuations, immediately dial 911 and ask for spiritual guidance (Arming and Barricading is optional). Seduce your tax professional. Cry on a street corner until you get legal help. Mollusk Marketing is not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any disease. Become a health practitoner!

Copyright, Mollusk Marketing, 410 A.D. Nice party, Alec!

Spatial Data Collection and Analysis of the Brugel's Seven Deadly Desires provided by MMG. If they can structure an assortment of impossible creatures and a bizarre arrangement of irrational architectural structures into a relational database, imagine what they can do in daylight.

Mollusk Marketing Headquarters